Thank you come again

I have been remiss in keeping up with this weblog of late, but I shall endeavor not to let such a gulf of time go again without posting here. I recently acquired a malady of unknown origin, but I have vanquished it and can now resume my life as it was.

Today I find that I must post about a most aggravating event that occurred while I was attempting to order what passes for food at my local McDonald's establishment. I would not normally debase my body with such nefarious chemicals as those used in such a place, but I was late for an appointment and had not eaten due to an earlier digestive issue.

As I waited in the line, patiently allowing the fools in front of me to take their time ordering whatever it was they were ordering (for I paid them little mind), I began to feel some annoyance at the little Indian lady behind the counter. It was not because she was Indian, for I find no fault in that at all - nay, Indians are a noble people whose history and culture impress even me. No, it was because she said exactly the same thing in exactly the same way to every poor slob who placed an order with her: "Thank you, come again." The utter lack of sincerity in her words caused a fire to light deep within me, and as each patron walked off with his or her agglomeration of poisons on a platter, that fire grew.

By the time it came to be my turn to request service, I hated her. The extent of my ill will towards her was, by my estimation, comparable to what a father would feel toward the killer of his first born son. I wanted to annihilate her, to wipe any trace that she had ever existed from the Earth. It was going to be difficult to contain myself as I placed my order, but my generosity and forgiving nature helped me to rein in my murderous thoughts long enough to order some Chicken McNuggets and sparkling water.

And then it came. Not only did she speak those infernal words once more, but she cut me off with them as I attempted to confirm that she had indeed given me sparkling water and not Sprite or some other excessively sweet beverage. I am a very patient man, and I am quite willing to forgive the flaws and foibles of the many simpler folk with whom I must share my time. However, her evil was not one I could abide.

"Silence!" said I. "Your words offend me and every other patron here!" I could tell I spoke for the other patrons by the looks of agreement I observed on their faces when I spoke aloud.

The woman, small in both physical stature and apparent mental capacity, simply looked at me. I had stunned her, it seemed, with my spoken truth.

Hearing no rebuttal, I continued: "There is no acceptable excuse for this. Were we in ancient times, you would be slain for your offense. But we live in civilized times, and you should be thankful that I am a civilized man. You must cease at once with your false pleasantries. That, or you must truly seem to mean what you say when you say it. This disgusting falseness to which you subject each paying customer here is a travesty, and neither I nor the others will stand it any longer. I wish to speak to your manager."

As I spoke, she backed away. Clearly my words had caused her to feel some sense of shame. A good first step, thought I.

The manager, a decent-looking fellow with an ill-advised mustache, arrived promptly. However, his attitude was not what I expected. Rather than listening to me and invoking disciplinary measures, he seemed to direct his annoyance toward me!

I cannot recall his exact words, as they were not important. He was an ignorant enabler of horrible things, and he defended the lowly woman who had brought such misery into the world, even as I explained in earnest to him what had happened on his watch.

Eventually, I left the establishment. I did not even wait until my order was given to me. I simply walked out. I vow that I shall never again set foot in that terrible place. I intend to write a letter to the Better Business Bureau about my experience; however, I have found that the BBB is not well-run and responds very rarely to my reports. Still, I consider it my duty to my fellow citizens to make reports and ensure that those doing business with others are treated with deserved levels of respect.

In retrospect, I should not have attempted to sate my need for nourishment with the atrocious rubbish served by McDonalds. I should simply have dealt nobly with my gurgling stomach, or I should have sought out a more decent source of food. I am a man who learns from his mistakes, and as such, I take this as a lesson.

May You Be Blown Away

Earlier today, as I walked briskly through in the streets of the city in which I live (I do not meander at a sloth's pace like the many fools who inhabit this metropolis), I was plagued by constant reminders of the insufferability of most humans. These reminders came in the form of oversized umbrellas.

I do not understand the need to carry upon one's person an umbrella of sufficient size to cover half the width of the sidewalk. I am especially agitated by those who do so without care for others who may actually have somewhere to go. The imbeciles take no care to leave a clear path for those whose walking speeds exceed those of gastropod molluscs.

The benefit of carrying around such behemothic bumbershoots is unclear to me. Yes, it may perhaps minimize the degree to which one's lower legs are saturated by falling rain, but in my experience such saturation arises mostly from splashing in puddles, whose existence the use of an umbrella does not hinder.

This morning I was faced with a particularly doltish lot of umbrella-wielding fools slogging around aimlessly like mobile mushrooms. At every turn, one or more would move to block my path. A walk that would have taken me a mere five or six minutes had they simply stood aside and let me pass was working out to be nearly three times that. I had to act, and I did.

As a crossing signal changed and the cars stopped dutifully, the addle-pates gathered in front of me declined to step forward, choosing instead to carry on an insipid conversation amongst themselves about celebrities or some such nonsense. Had they been empty-armed, I could simply have squeezed by and let them wallow in their idiocy while I went about my day. However, the umbrellas they mindlessly held aloft created for me a sort of roadblock.

Incensed, I shoved the umbrellas aside, shouting "Make way!" One person's pink umbrella fell to the ground. undignified moans of disapproval escaped the foul lot as I thrust them aside and crossed the street. I valiantly chose not to respond to their inane objections - imagine, they saw me as the rude one, when they had stood like stolid fools in my path, not even acknowledging my existence and trajectory. What rudeness is that?

Some part of me, I must admit, feels tempted to purchase a huge umbrella later today and to stand unmoving on a corner - revenge for the horrors through which the fools of this city have put me. However, I am a much more noble and dignified man than one who would only add to the misery of others without reason other than the appeasement of my own animalistic drives. This is what sets me apart from those others who would block the paths of decent men with pressing concerns and places to go.

If you have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, the least you can do is get out of other people's way.