Earlier today, as I walked briskly through in the streets of the city in which I live (I do not meander at a sloth's pace like the many fools who inhabit this metropolis), I was plagued by constant reminders of the insufferability of most humans. These reminders came in the form of oversized umbrellas.
I do not understand the need to carry upon one's person an umbrella of sufficient size to cover half the width of the sidewalk. I am especially agitated by those who do so without care for others who may actually have somewhere to go. The imbeciles take no care to leave a clear path for those whose walking speeds exceed those of gastropod molluscs.
The benefit of carrying around such behemothic bumbershoots is unclear to me. Yes, it may perhaps minimize the degree to which one's lower legs are saturated by falling rain, but in my experience such saturation arises mostly from splashing in puddles, whose existence the use of an umbrella does not hinder.
This morning I was faced with a particularly doltish lot of umbrella-wielding fools slogging around aimlessly like mobile mushrooms. At every turn, one or more would move to block my path. A walk that would have taken me a mere five or six minutes had they simply stood aside and let me pass was working out to be nearly three times that. I had to act, and I did.
As a crossing signal changed and the cars stopped dutifully, the addle-pates gathered in front of me declined to step forward, choosing instead to carry on an insipid conversation amongst themselves about celebrities or some such nonsense. Had they been empty-armed, I could simply have squeezed by and let them wallow in their idiocy while I went about my day. However, the umbrellas they mindlessly held aloft created for me a sort of roadblock.
Incensed, I shoved the umbrellas aside, shouting "Make way!" One person's pink umbrella fell to the ground. undignified moans of disapproval escaped the foul lot as I thrust them aside and crossed the street. I valiantly chose not to respond to their inane objections - imagine, they saw me as the rude one, when they had stood like stolid fools in my path, not even acknowledging my existence and trajectory. What rudeness is that?
Some part of me, I must admit, feels tempted to purchase a huge umbrella later today and to stand unmoving on a corner - revenge for the horrors through which the fools of this city have put me. However, I am a much more noble and dignified man than one who would only add to the misery of others without reason other than the appeasement of my own animalistic drives. This is what sets me apart from those others who would block the paths of decent men with pressing concerns and places to go.
If you have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, the least you can do is get out of other people's way.
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